Of course I long to be fierce! However, I often wonder if I can ever get back to running at a pace which compares to my past accomplishments. I look back at my past accomplishments and I remember in college (the fastest times of my life) thinking how I wish I was faster, how I wish I could be at least in the top 3 of my team. I had to settle for making it as a 7th runner. Now I look back at that and think, “DAMN! I was fast! I was GOOD!” I’d come home from college in the summer and would run some road races. Every community run had a medal or a trophy waiting for me at the end of the race. It almost didn’t seem right to enter those races after I’d been training year round in college. How I cherish those moments now.
It has been a long time since I’ve thought about winning. It has been a long time since it even mattered to me. Running has become an escape for me. I put my shoes on, do some quick stretches, start my watch and begin meditating. I think, and think and think. I find peace. I escape. I don’t look at my watch, I don’t care how fast I’m going and I occasionally remember to run close to the shoulder of the road. Otherwise, I just run. It has been a way of running for me for a while now, at least for the last 5 years. What changed me? Motherhood did. (I’m thinking of making a running t-shirt with that slogan.)
Motherhood made me relish the time away more than the pace I was running. Motherhood also made me appreciate that time away and made me relish every second I was gone. I love my children and value every moment I spend with them, but running is my therapy to survive raising 3 children born in a 27 month period between May 2006 and September 2008.
Now my youngest is almost 2. Lately, I have been craving more. I'm hungry for improvement. I 'm ready to think more about me. Yesterday I decided I wanted speed more than I wanted endurance. I want to be fast again. I want to run faster than my husband again. I want to run in front of the pack again. I want to win medals and trophies again. I want to be breathless at the end of my races. I want to feel like I’ve laid it all out on the road, given the race every ounce of my being and left with nothing more. I want to run to my full potential. And yesterday I started to do just that.
I put my watch on pace mode and I struggled through the first mile. I said, “Run faster!” and my body said, “NO WAY!” I said to myself, “It’s only 4 miles!” After repeatedly running all over the place in the 10-11 minute mile pace during the first mile, I found the strength to push forward. As I watched my pace change I gained more confidence and pushed harder. I couldn’t help to think that my run would have been better had it started during mile 2 and ended after mile 4. I guess this old lady needs to break a sweat before jumping to the start line. Toward the end of my run I was running 8 minute mile pace at times and smiling from ear to ear. Don't get me wrong, the run sucked! But it was also AWESOME. No meditating, no peace, just focus and will. Yesterday was the beginning of something good. I believe in me again. I know if I stick with my training and work hard, I might be able to recapture a little bit of the glory days. Go Mamma, go!
