38 Days/5 Weeks and 3 Days Post Mirofracture Surgery

I have to admit it, I'm impressed with myself.  Sometimes I can be my biggest skeptic.  I know I'm strong and that I have will power.  I just can't believe how much! 

Sometimes I wish that I could be as positive out loud as I am in my head.  There is an amazing little voice in my head that is constantly telling me to try harder, to move forward to not fear the next footstep.  If I start doubting myself, feeling scared or worried about what might happen I start talking about it to my husband or friends and it's like having an out of body experience where I start hearing how ridiculous I sound.  Call it ranting, venting, whining, complaining, verbalizing fears or anxiety.  Call it what you will but for me it's just a means for dissolving my fears.  It works instantly and before I know it I have that positive little voice in my head again.  I know you know that it must exist.  There is now way that I could have become any kind of a runner without possessing that little voice.  That little voice my friends is my will.  My will to succeed.  My will to conquer, my will to be.

At 35 days I came home from visiting my Ortho with a green light to start trying to bear weight on my left knee.  In our family room my husband stood nose to nose (Ok my nose to his neck) and for the first time in  weeks I put my crutches aside and put my left leg down on the floor.  Most of my weight was on my right foot but I forced myself to try to shift some to the left.  I felt my husband wrap his arms around me and he swayed as if we were dancing with a huge smile on his face.  With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face I knew I was entering a new phase in my recovery.  My husband continues to be my dance partner in life through the good times and the bad the same way that he stood next to me and stole my heart 11 years,   4 months   and 16 days ago when we danced our first dance.

The following day at 36 days I started to walk around the house using both crutches to help shift my weight.  It got to the point where it seemed too easy so I ditched one more crutch half way through the day and started to walk around using one crutch.  Making my left leg go down to bear weight is like asking a sane person to slowly stick their hand in an open fire and hold it steady.  Yeah, it's close to impossible.  Once I start feeling any kind of pain my leg instinctively wants to jerk up or shift the weight back to the other leg.  Every step I take is intentional.  I think I'm progressing faster than the norm but you never know if there are set backs or plateaus in one's progress.  Ideally a person should be walking pain free with no limp anywhere from 7-9 weeks from the time you start to bear weigh on the leg.  That puts me at 12-14 weeks post op.  Really though, I think I can accomplish it sooner.  I'm not saying it will be easy.  I'm just saying I think I can do it sooner.

I am now on day of two walking with just one crutch and by the end of the night my legs are dead tired.  Despite it being my LEFT leg that had the surgery, it's my left leg that is exhausted these days.  My right hip is also looking a little swollen and feeling quite tight.  My right calf burns constantly when I try to walk and most of the time ends up tightening into a rock from all the new activity.  I really think if I weren't suffering from all the side effects from being on crutches for 5 weeks, the dormant left quad, the super tight left calf, the sore shoulders and the half asleep, I'd practically be walking already!

I was hoping to be Wonder Woman and possibly ditch the crutches in a day or two.  Well that's not going to happen!  My arms start flailing and I start limping to the point where it's just too painful and tiresome.  I'm not discouraged though.  Very soon I will be crutchless!  I know it!

Well tomorrow I'm off to see The Wizard of with my family and I hope I can manage to stay on one crutch most of the day.  Like always, I probably will make it through 3/4 of the day and then be looking for the other crutch!

 

35 Days/5wks Post Micro Fracture Surgery

Today I had my second appointment with my ortho since having had microfracture surgery and other articular cartilage repair.  At my first appointment I limited my questions to what the first 5-6 weeks post op were going to be like, mainly because I didn't want to focus on anything but that.  I tend to worry---A LOT and usually for no good reason.  Therefore in order to control my worrying and anxiety I decided not to ask or think about it for the next 4 weeks and just focus on range of motion, flexibility, caring for two four year olds and one two year old for the first 5-6 weeks of my recovery.

And that's what I did.  I spent 8 hours a day on a CPM (which I continue to do and will do for another week to 3 weeks if insurance permits), worked on heel slides, leg lifts and quad flexions.  I went from not being able to bend my leg at all post op to almost full range of motion in 5 weeks.  No weight bearing at all though, of course and yes I survived caring for the kids.

Last night (the night before my appointment) I was starting to freak out a bit because I had been praying to be able to just start walking by my 5th week.  My hopes were so high that I knew I better self educate myself on what weeks 5-15 post op might be like before I burst into tears at the doctor's office, sad and devastated  that I wasn't going to walk out of the office crutch free right then and there.

It's a good thing I started reading up on my recovery on line.  I found a blog of a high mileage runner that goes by Army Runner.  He is a very accomplished runner who documents his experience with his knee injury.  I read the WHOLE THING in one night.  I know, a bit obsessive.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I realized how hard my recovery was going to be.  It would have been easier to have broken a bone or torn a meniscus or have had ACL surgery.  Ok, maybe not the ACL surgery but really, as he said, "it doesn't get much worse than this".

As I sat and read his remarkable story about how he recovered I began to accept the hand that God has dealt me. Finally I know all that's ahead of me and I am feeling like I know what I need to do. Tears are still welling up in eyes because I come to learn that after 5 weeks post op I won't be walking down Michigan Ave. any time soon enjoying the Christmas displays with my children and that walking will have to wait a little longer. First I will begin to bear weight on the injured leg while using crutches, a process that will take about 2 days. Then for the next several days I try to use one crutch and bear more weight until I'm successfully and without much effort using only one crutch. Finally, at most, hopefully, 2 weeks from today, I will be limping along, crutch free but in pain. Here is the part that kills me. Most likely I will not be walking pain free or limp free until about 9 weeks from today. Thank God I didn't know this 5 weeks ago. 14 wks post op doesn't seem so bad when you have already accomplished 5 wks and have 9 to go.

So that brings me to today. My Ortho's PA checked my leg flexion and extension and worked my knee back and forth. She had me lie down and tighten my left quad from my injured knee. I asked her where it had gone??? She said it had shut down and was taking a vacation, apparently quite normal for some patients. I will be having some electrical stimulation on that quad. I'm not looking forward to that at all!

She then told me I was in great shape and then cheered me on a little (I'm sure they say stuff like that to all the patients) and said that because of my leg strength, athleticism and muscle tone in my legs, I have recovered real well from the surgery and that they expected nothing less of me.

You must be thinking, "Oh my God this chick is so full of herself". Well if you compare me to who was in the waiting room you'd think I was an Olympic athlete too! The waiting room was full of patients that had been bused from a nursing home! I could tell I was one of their favorite patients that day as well as easier to deal with because they were laying it on thick! My ortho even proceeded to tell me what a long day these seniors make it for him. I was waiting for him to bring out the coffee along with the chit-chat! Well, it's good to be liked I guess! Somehow I know I'll be like that 84 year old patient he was telling me about that was begging him to operate so that she could be more mobile. He refused and said that she was 84 and that she'd LOSE her leg if he operated on her at that age! Apparently she comes in once a month to beg, the poor woman!

Anyway, the doctor tested my quad strength with some resistance and then basically said I was definitely ready to start physical therapy! He basically outlined the exact recovery as Army Runner had blogged about so I was not taken by surprise at all. I told him about my fears of learning to walk again and he told me I was the only one who could decide when to push myself to take those steps. He proceeded to tell me that I would have to coach myself a lot through this time since PT was only going to be 2 to3 times a week and that I wouldn't be seeing him for another 4 weeks.

Before I left I had to ask some questions that I needed to know the answer to. The first was, "Do you have any way of telling when this accident happened? How long could I have been running like this and not have known it?" The answer totally took my breath away. He responded by telling me that there was no carbon dating available for these things (haaahaahaaa) and that it was nearly impossible to give a time frame since I'd never had an MRI before as a frame of reference. He gave scenarios like, it could of been a genetic thing where a piece off cartilage just wasn't ever attached real well, to examples of childhood injuries that could have caused it. I still can't believe that this could have happened YEARS ago or just months ago. I do know that if it wasn't caused from a genetic flaw that it was a traumatic blow to the knee. I will never know if it was because of a childhood injury (have you seen my knees???), a car accident I had (I've been in a few), playing volleyball, slipping on ice or falling knees first on the floor after tripping over a Bakugan toy or doll stroller. I must accept I will never know but at least I know that running is the least likely cause of the injury.

Now for question 2, my life altering question number 2. Gosh I hate question number 2 and wish I hadn't asked it. You know why I wish I hadn't asked it? Because I know the answer to it already lies deep beneath the layers of my gut. "Will running put me at a higher risk of re-injury? Could I ruin the repair that's been done by running again?". His answer, "Yes." He told me that he wished I would rather take up swimming or biking. But that it didn't mean I “couldn't” run. It would be a risk I'd have to decide was worth taking. He leaned toward saying that I should live my life the way I want, but then quickly changed the direction of the conversation to basically telling me that if we ever get to the point of re-injury, than that is when we'll talk about what I could and couldn't do.

If you know me well, you know I'm not a risk taker. Nope, I don't take big or unnecessary risks. I worry too much about what could go wrong so I don't enjoy taking the risk. For the first time in a long time I am going to have to think about taking a risk. My injury if reinjured could potentially affect the quality of my life. I may end up having to go through this kind of surgery and recovery all over again, have a cadaver transplant or worse yet, have to deal with pain in my day to day living for the rest of my life. But if I don't run I will also be miserable. I know that it is the only way I can delay/prevent diabetes, somewhat maintain my weight (I don't claim to lose weight but I know I don't gain more weight when I'm running) and the only way that I know to better my odds of living a longer life. I don't do anything else for my health as well as I know I can do this.

So now I think and think some more. Do I run and risk injury which will make me miserable or not run and go straight to being miserable???

I don't know how I will be able to handle the eyebrow raises of the people that I know and love when I tell them what I want to do. I don't want anyone to be resentful of my choices because I "chose this". I know that it isn’t just “my” quality of life we’re dealing with either.

We all get old and die. All good things come to an end. If that's the case, then isn't life too damn short to not try squeezing the pulp out of it? Yes, yes it is.

But before I rack my brain over what I should do, I need to focus on what is at hand. Tomorrow I will begin to bear weight on BOTH of my feet! Gooooo Me!!!

Get out of my way or I'll...

Run you over with my stroller???

Today is Memorial Day and I'm supposed to be in McHenry doing their annual Memorial Day 5k.  Instead I'm sitting at home on my big butt on the couch typing this.  Here is what transpired, I sent a short quick question to the race manager which read:

          "Before I register, I was just double checking that jogging strollers were allowed. My husband
           and I would both be running with them in the 5k. Thank you!"

Shortly after in a very timely manner I received this response:

          "Thank you for inquiring about our race.

          Per our Waiver of Claims:

          'The use of baby joggers and strollers are also discouraged by the McHenry Memorial Day 5k 
          as the inclusion of baby joggers and strollers in races increases the potential for injury to race
          participants and children.'

          The full Waiver of Claims can be reviewed prior to registering online for the race or the paper
          race application available at the race.  Thanks! "

I know what you may be thinking.  Really?  She is upset about not being able to run with a jogger?  She doesn't care about compromising other's safety?  Yes I'm upset and no I don't think it is compromising other's safety.

If this were the Chicago Marathon I would totally understand that I can't push my jogger with 45,000 other people around but this isn't the Chicago Marathon.  This is a 5k race in McHenry which is being held over Memorial Day weekend. 

When I think of Memorial Day I think of honoring the men and women who serve our country, the mothers who allow their sons and daughters to fight for our freedom.  I think of freedom, pride and FAMILY.  This race has all the makings of a family event to me with a Memorial Day Parade to follow to boot! 

In this day an age of computer chip timing I don't see why people with jogging strollers can't have a 5-10 minute delayed start.  I just don't understand what the big deal would be???  I've managed huge races before when I coached cross-country and track and field.  I even used to host a 5k community drug awareness run in Union Grove, WI several years ago and I can only see the advantages of this new technology that didn't even exist back when I used to coach and organize races.  What's and extra 10 minutes when you can increase your participation???

By the way, I've run many races with the kids before.  I've never had a problem before with people trying to get around me or trying to get around people.  I always hang back at the start and then go.  And really, more than not my husband Clint and I have been the only runners with strollers and I've actually never raced in the same race as someone who pushed a double stroller in a race like I have.  I don't think it is THAT common where we have to start banning them from races.

I also have to comment that if I had a choice I wouldn't run with my stroller and kids.  Do you think I really want to push a 102 lbs (33.5 pound B.O.B. Duallie Sports Utility Stroller, 35 pound son and 34 pound daughter) up and down hills for 3.1 miles at my fastest running pace? No!  I'd rather run on my own but it's Memorial Day weekend and we are a family and we are supposed to be together this weekend!!!

Last night we flipped a quarter and I said to Clint, "Ok you flip it and I'll call it."  I called tails and of course it was tails.  Winner gets to run in the race tomorrow and loser gets to watch it with all 3 kids.  This morning I just couldn't do it.  It felt wrong to just abandon them and go run a race which wasn't family friendly.

It's really sad I think.  There should be more family friend races where we can share our love of sport with our children.  I love showing my kids how fun it is to run, bike play sports etc.  They love seeing me do these things and someday I think they will have memories of me that I don't want them to ever forget.  I hope they share those stories with their kids and that I am remembered someday in this way. 

Next weekend I'm looking forward to running the Lincoln Park Zoo Run and then on the 19th will be doing the Brookfield Stroller Stride for Wishes.   Both of which I will most likely be pushing a stroller with my kids!  Don't worry, I've already contacted race management and I'm good to go.  Afterwards will enjoy some zoo time!  See, that's the way a race should be, at least in my world.

Patellar Tendinitis

On Tuesday April 20th, 2010 I went to the Illinois Bone and Joint Institute where I saw Dr. Dugan who has expertise in sports medicine, is the team physician for the Chicago Wolves hockey team and more importantly was a competitive runner at one time.  I didn't care for his bedside manner but once I got past that (not sure if I ever really did), I realized he really did know a lot about running as he recited information to me that only runners really know.

I explained to him where the knee pain is, on the upper front part of the knee and then explained to him how it hurts to run down hill, go down stairs and to fully bend the knee.  I could tell he new right away what it was since he didn't care about my shoes, my running form or any of the things that really tend to indicate how an injury might start.

He asked me to lie on my back, which I did but thought it was strange.  He then proceeded to test my flexibility and said I was more flexible than the average person.  Then I informed him I didn't realize he wanted me to fully stretch my hamstring and when I did he said I was very blessed to have such flexibility.  He then informed me that oddly enough people who are not flexible in their hamstings tend to have similar knee problems as myself.

He explained I have Patellar Tendinitis, basically it is the overuse of the patellar tendon.

A CNN article which cites the Mayo Clinic explains why some people might get patellar tendinitis:

• Stress on the patellar tendon. Repeated jumping is most commonly associated with patellar tendinitis. Sudden increases in the intensity of physical activity or increases in frequency of activity also put added stress on the tendon. (No, I am not involved in any kind of jumping activity that might stress the knee.  However I wonder if I still bounce up a lot when I run instead of using my momentum to go forward?)

•  Tight leg muscles. Reduced flexibility in your thigh muscles (quadriceps) and your hamstrings, which run up the back of your thighs, could increase the strain on your patellar tendon. (Fortunately for me, it seems I've been able to escape injury all these injuries because I'm very flexible. So this for sure isn't a factor for me.)

• Malalignment of your leg bones. The way your leg bones line up could be off slightly, putting strain on your tendon. (If this were the case I would have experienced pain much earlier in my running career.)

• Raised kneecap (patella alta). Your kneecap may be positioned higher up on your knee joint, causing increased strain on the patellar tendon. (Again, If this were the case I would have experienced pain much earlier in my running career.)

• Intensity and frequency of physical activity. Repeated jumping is most commonly associated with patellar tendinitis. Sudden increases in the intensity of physical activity or increases in frequency of activity also put added stress on the tendon.  (His opinion is that in my case it is a matter of how long I choose to run for and how many miles I'm doing per week with lack of cross-training.)

• Being overweight. Additionally, being overweight or obese increases the stress on the patellar tendon, and some research suggests that having a greater waist circumference or higher body mass index may increase the risk of patellar tendinitis.  (I was a little surprised when this didn't come up as often as I thought it would.  I KNOW that I probably should consider running with 25 pounds less on my ass but am not focused on weight loss as much as I am on being physically active and eating well.  I figure if I do those two things, in the long run losing weight will be a healthy outcome despite it not being my main goal.  I'm not happy with the weight gain but I'd be more unhappy dieting.)

• Muscular imbalance. If some muscles in your legs are much stronger than others, the stronger muscles could pull harder on your patellar tendon. This uneven pull could cause tendinitis. (He didn't mention this but I've always known how improtant weight training is to keep muscles in balance.  I just hadn't gotten to that point in my training yet and had been putting it off.)

He gave me good advice about taking into consideration cross-training.  He asked if pulling back to only running 35-50 percent of my mileage and then increasing 10% per week until July was doable or if it would impede on my goals.  I told him I could do that but that it would be a devastating blow to where I pictured being in the coming months.  I told him that of course I would do it if I was in any risk of doing permanent damage.  I was then shocked to hear him say "probably not".  He said if I pressed forward I would "probably not" risk any kind of damage.  I feel that in my gut too.  He said cutting back would be to get to a point where I run comfortably and pain free.  Hmmmm what to do?

Well, I had decided before the race 4 days ago that I would indeed take a week off.  I of course am going to stick to that promise.  I think that I will also cut back on miles initially.  I also plan to do other things.  I'd like to take a swim class, start biking, play volleyball, lift weights and maybe do a yogalaties class or yoga on my own.  I had considered beginning marathon training in June and now I know for sure that is out of the picture.  I will continue to focus on 5k's most of the summer. 

What I cannot do is stop running.  Not now.  Not when I feel I'm on the brink of a breakthrough.  I will test the waters for the coming weeks and pull back on frequency and miles when I need to and do something else.

I am a very lucky person.  I have been able to run pain free for most of my life.  I have enjoyed running and never feared getting hurt.  I still enjoy running but I'm a little more aware of the getting hurt part.  I will continue to listen to my body and work on healing.  I think I may go to a running clinic on May 15th that focuses on running form (which I don't THINK I have too many problems with) to aid in keeping my promise to myself.

As for those people who said to me, "you over did it", "mother nature is telling you something", "you are getting old", "don't push it", I'm sorry but I just don't think so.  I'll never move forward if I don't push myself and I sure as hell am not too old to be running.  I'll prove you wrong, yes I will!

 

Painful Victory

On Saturday, April 17th I ran my second race of the year! The anticipation for the race had started creeping up on me a week prior to the race but was full blown nerves and worries on Friday night. I had such a hard time falling asleep! All I could think about was whether or not I'd be happy or disappointed the following morning.  I just had to believe I could do it and not fear disappointment.  My head was spinning because I knew there was a possibility of disappointment.  I fully believed that if I ran to my fullest potential, I would improve my time.  The problem however was not believing I could run faster but improving my time while running injured.  Two weeks earlier I had started to aggravate my knee and about 3 days prior to the race I was seriously considering not running for fear I might do some damage to my knee. My gut instincts told me I could handle it and despite the fact there wasn't any improvement I moved forward and decided to race anyway.

I'm glad I did! I know I'm just getting back into running but I have to remember that I'm not new to this. I can trust my instincts and my body. Yes, it feels like starting over but no I'm really not.

On race day I feared that all my efforts on race day to produce the fruits of my labor would be for nothing because I wouldn't be able to run to my full potential or even close to. I was wrong. Very, very wrong! To gauge improvement and set goals I used my February FROSTY FOOTRACE 5K TIME of 30:20.1 (9:47/M pace). My hope was to run faster than the 30:20.1 I ran in February but my goal was 27:51 and to run an 8:58 pace. Sooooooo how did I do on Saturday???

My TAKE A STEP FOR KIDS 5K TIME was 26:57 (8:42/M pace). I placed:

• 67th out 472 total runners (top 14%)

• 23rd out of 309 women (top 7%)

• and 3rd out of 44 women in my age division (top 7%)

When I was done running I waited in line to get a print out of my time and place...

I kid you not, as soon as I looked at my print out and read the number 3 they read my name and I walked to the front to get my 3rd place medal.

I was in total shock and couldn't believe that I had actually won a medal after so many years! Furthermore, I was happy that I didn't get the medal by default but had actually EARNED it by competing against 44 other women in my division. It felt awesome! I felt validated and felt there was hope to recapture old glory.

The best part about it was having my children there. My son asked me, "Mom, did you win a medal because you were the fastest?" I almost said no and then I smiled and said, "Yes, I was one of the fastest!" I couldn't believe I was bragging and BRAGGING to my almost 4 year old son! And of course they all took turns wearing the medal! It was an awesome moment!

"Mamma, is this a cookie?"

"Mamma, can I have your medal?

"Mamma, were you the fastest?

Afterwards, my family took me for an out of the norm brunch at Denny's where the taste of victory was soon replaced with worry and pain. My darn knee!  It is upsetting that my celebration was so short lived and overshadowed by injury. But at least I got a little taste of success and once that happens....Well, we will wait and see, now won't we?

Click on KNEE INJURY to read about my Dr.'s evalutation.

People Running Everywhere

Have you ever watched a marathon? No, I don't mean on T.V. where they only show the herds of runners in corrals from an aerial view and then zoom in on the elite. Have you ever REALLY watched a marathon? In person? To see all the different kinds of people that run? Tall, short, Asians, Latinos, Blacks, redheads, 16 year olds, 80 years olds, people who are extremely fit, people who are fit, people who are trying damn hard to be fit and then people who are not so fit who are struggling with weight, who have trained like the rest but are battling other battles besides the marathon on race day and are taking a step in the right direction by just being there. I can’t believe how many different people there are running marathons and other races. People who you'd see on the street and never once think they looked like a (marathon) runner. It amazes me how strong people are. It amazes me how the human mind stereotypes what a runner looks like only to have people shatter that notion into a billion different kinds of runners.

Every time someone runs past I think, "I wonder what their story is? I wonder why they are running?" They all have amazing personal stories. Sometimes if you run besides them they will tell you their stories to kill time and sometimes they'll wear their stories proud on their shirts,"Just Married!", "3 Months Pregnant!", "In Memory of Mom". They are all amazing. Regardless if they take 2 hours to finish a marathon, 4 hours or the allotted 6.5 hours. The ones who are the most amazing are the ones who keep on fighting to finish before they start breaking down the course. I promise you, you will never think "I can't" again and you will never be as inspired as you are at that moment as you watch these people accomplish their goal, their own personal goals that make them all runners.

No matter if they are running 4 minute miles or 14 minute miles, they are all running and therefore they are all runners. It is amazing that something like running can unite so many people to come and PAY to run knowing that most of them are going to walk away with nothing but a t-shirt. AND of course the pride of knowing they finished, broke a personal best time, had an amazing mile split or caught up to that runner at the very end. It is truly an amazing experience. And I hope it to be an amazing experience for me on Saturday as well.

No, I'm not running a marathon tomorrow but I am running my 2nd 5k race of the year. My race in February was my baseline and I have been looking forward to this race to see if I have improved at all. I am already really proud of myself. In 2009 I only clocked in 51.2 miles for the entire year and this year after only 3 months of running I have clocked in 133.3 miles!!! That alone is a personal victory for me. However, I want much, much, much more. I am currently about 1 minute slower per mile than last year and have not shown significant improvement in my pace since my first race. I hope that when I hear the gun go off that my adrenaline will help pump me to the finish line. It is almost nearly impossible for me to replicate the feeling that comes over me after the start of a race. I'm really hoping that I will see the improvement during the race.

Along with hope comes fear. I fear disappointment. No one puts more pressure on me than myself. When I want something and I work hard to attain it, nothing is more disappointing than failure. I hate failing at anything. I get upset if I fail to get the kids to the library on time for story time. You can imagine how devastated I feel when I don't achieve a personal goal that I have been working very hard to achieve. I don't plan on winning a medal or coming in 1st. I don't even care how I do overall in comparison to everyone else. I just care about my time. I'd like to finish in 27:51 and run an 8:58 pace. It seems like a very difficult challenge at the moment and I'm trying to prepare myself to accept I may have to wait later in my running season and extend my goal to the next race. BUT I'M GOING TO TRY and I will remind myself that no matter how slow I am, no matter how much I weigh, no matter how much my thighs rub against each other, no matter how much knee pain I may feel, I am a runner. I can persevere!

I hate when runners complain about their injuries all the time and blame their poor performance on everything that went wrong. I will try to not be like that and I will look past my aches and pains. I will run the best that I can and accept what I can accomplish tomorrow. My next race after tomorrow will most likely not be until May 23rd and I will try to remember that I will have another shot for self improvement on that day.

If you have a couple of minutes watch this video by Jeff Kline. He's a personal trainer and coach and owner of PRS FIT. He inspired my recollection of thoughts on all the different people who run and what makes them runners.

Look for my next post about running accessories I absolutely have to have!!!

Reaching Out from Jeff Kline on Vimeo.

The Persistence of Time

When I think of time I think of it in many different ways. In general when I think of time I always think of Dali’s beautiful painting, La Resistencia de la Memoria (The Persistence of Memory/Time) that depicts time as being irrelevant.  For the most part I do agree with his assesment of time.  However, right now I live in a world where time is very significant.

But usually on a daily basis I think of time as how it pertains to running and when will I be able to run.  What time do I have to get up to squeeze in a run?  Do I have time to get a run in before dinner is ready?  What time will I have to get up to run at sunrise?  What time will I have to run before sunset?  What was my pace? What was my overall time? Was it my fastest time? How much time to I have before I have to be back home???

Ughhh. That saying, “Time is never on my side” couldn’t be truer. When I think about everything I have to go through to squeeze a run in it amazes me that I actually get it done most days that I set out to do so. Believe me; no one is more shocked than me. From the minute the alarm goes off at 5:40 am the grueling race begins. Depending on how long of a run I’m planning that morning I know I have to get moving out the door between 6 and 6:15. I then have to be back in time to get showered, dressed and help get the 3 kids fed, washed up, teeth brushed, dressed, hair brushed, and in the van by around 8:40 to be at school by 9. It’s an amazing race to say the least and I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband who helps get them out the door too!

If I can’t get up in the morning to go for a run I will try to do it between 9:15-10:45 while the kiddos are in preschool. It’s a win/lose situation because I feel a little less pressed for time and more awake but I have to push a jogger which isn’t as nice as running freely. My last chance to get a run in is usually in the p.m. but it breaks one of my golden rules. I won’t allow my running to come in between family time. I consider the evening to be for dining with my family and relaxing with my husband. Unfortunately, it is my FAVORITE time of day to run in. I tend to feel amazing running as the sun sets on a cool almost cold evening when I can barely see the hustle and bustle of everyday life, when the darkness blurs the mind-numbing clones of houses in my subdivision. I tend to run more relaxed, with energy, faster and overall better. But rarely do I take pleasure in that kind of a run unless I absolutely need to get away and out of the house.

So, early morning runs it is! Some people think I’m crazy and others think it is great. The fact of the matter is that I don’t have a triple jogger and wouldn’t want to push one anyways so unless I run at the crack of dawn, I just wouldn’t be able to get it in.

I know that some my question my sanity or think “I’m hardcore” but really I am not. I wish I was hardcore and could run several times a day and have varying workouts.  But for me it is all about time and finding time. The other day my friend and I ran on a horribly windy day where pushing a stroller down a hill was as hard as pushing it up it! It was crazy, I admit it. But had I not done it, I wouldn’t have had any time for me that day. I wouldn’t have had the chance to make myself a stronger runner. The same goes for running in the cold and running in the heat (which I absolutely struggle with). Your body has to learn to run and deal with the elements, especially here in Chicagoland. If I decided not to run on a day which was too cold, too windy, too hot or too wet I wouldn’t have logged over 117 miles in since this January.

I also often wonder if people think I’m being unfair to Maya (my almost 19 month old). She is the one that has to sit in a jogging stroller while I’m running in freezing temps, rain, wind etc. I assure you I have a top of the line stroller with all weather gear that helps keep her happy. I could never run with a screaming child. It would kill the moment for me. Luckily she either babbles, takes in the sites or sleeps. I do my best to keep her happy in there and for no more than she needs to be. I ALWAYS want to make sure she is safe. But actually, today I wondered if someone was going to call DCFS on me!

Today was one of those days where I knew if I didn’t try to get a run in when the kiddos were at preschool, it just couldn’t happen. My husband has been out of town and won’t be back until tomorrow night. I had decided that I would suck it up and not run because it was hailing, thundering and absolutely pouring out there. I went, dropped the kids off and then headed home to clean. As soon as I pulled in the drive way I realized that it had cleared up to a fine drizzle. I ran in the house threw on my impermeable gear, put Maya in the jogger with the rain cover and went on my way. I had to deal with the wind picking up and wished I was wearing goggles but hey, at least I was getting my run in, right? All was good until about half way through I start hearing voices coming through the emergency speaker system in our town and then of course the emergency sirens come on. I first decide not to panic as it is a Tuesday. When the sirens don’t stop, then I start to panic! I am a worry wart by nature and this situation brought on a lot of horrible thoughts. What if there was a tornado coming? What if there was another hail storm coming? I had heard on the news that there were “micro-bursts” in the area and now I was just totally panicking. I felt like such a horrible mother! Then, finally the siren stopped. After a couple of minutes I realized I was probably right at first thought and that it was just the monthly test siren.

The whole incident made me realize how desperate I am for time. What I’ll do to get a run in for the day. I’d never put my children or myself in danger but I know that at times it must seem that way to others. I know I got a lot of strange looks in the sub today. But hey! I’m a busy mom of 3 young kids who has no time and has to make time. I take what I can get. What motivates me? Time. Knowing I get “me time”, knowing that in the long run I will live longer, be healthier and have more time with my husband, children and grandchildren to enjoy life and knowing that perhaps I can fight time with making time.

Here is one of my favorite Nike advertisements. It says it all!

Don't Jump to the Starting Line Before Breaking a Sweat

I love to run, but lately it is a constant reminder of how old I'm getting. Sometimes that is a good thing, other times it is not. For example now that I’m older I have built up plentiful reserves of endurance. It seems I can be sick one week and only run once then jump right back into it and take off on a pleasant 8 mile run. What’s the downside? Well, at this point in my life I feel like I’m starting all over as a runner. Despite the fact that I’ve been running since I was about 10 years old and ran straight through college and adulthood, I feel like a newbie runner who is struggling to figure out exactly what she wants out of running. It’s as painful for me as looking at myself naked in front of the mirror. Do I want to go out there and enjoy myself and “take a jog in the park”? Or do I want to go out there and TRAIN to be FIERCE?


Of course I long to be fierce! However, I often wonder if I can ever get back to running at a pace which compares to my past accomplishments. I look back at my past accomplishments and I remember in college (the fastest times of my life) thinking how I wish I was faster, how I wish I could be at least in the top 3 of my team. I had to settle for making it as a 7th runner. Now I look back at that and think, “DAMN! I was fast! I was GOOD!” I’d come home from college in the summer and would run some road races. Every community run had a medal or a trophy waiting for me at the end of the race. It almost didn’t seem right to enter those races after I’d been training year round in college. How I cherish those moments now.

It has been a long time since I’ve thought about winning. It has been a long time since it even mattered to me. Running has become an escape for me. I put my shoes on, do some quick stretches, start my watch and begin meditating. I think, and think and think. I find peace. I escape. I don’t look at my watch, I don’t care how fast I’m going and I occasionally remember to run close to the shoulder of the road. Otherwise, I just run. It has been a way of running for me for a while now, at least for the last 5 years. What changed me? Motherhood did. (I’m thinking of making a running t-shirt with that slogan.)

Motherhood made me relish the time away more than the pace I was running. Motherhood also made me appreciate that time away and made me relish every second I was gone. I love my children and value every moment I spend with them, but running is my therapy to survive raising 3 children born in a 27 month period between May 2006 and September 2008.

Now my youngest is almost 2.  Lately, I have been craving more.  I'm hungry for improvement.  I 'm ready to think more about me.  Yesterday I decided I wanted speed more than I wanted endurance. I want to be fast again. I want to run faster than my husband again. I want to run in front of the pack again. I want to win medals and trophies again. I want to be breathless at the end of my races. I want to feel like I’ve laid it all out on the road, given the race every ounce of my being and left with nothing more. I want to run to my full potential. And yesterday I started to do just that.

I put my watch on pace mode and I struggled through the first mile. I said, “Run faster!” and my body said, “NO WAY!” I said to myself, “It’s only 4 miles!” After repeatedly running all over the place in the 10-11 minute mile pace during the first mile, I found the strength to push forward. As I watched my pace change I gained more confidence and pushed harder. I couldn’t help to think that my run would have been better had it started during mile 2 and ended after mile 4. I guess this old lady needs to break a sweat before jumping to the start line. Toward the end of my run I was running 8 minute mile pace at times and smiling from ear to ear. Don't get me wrong, the run sucked!  But it was also AWESOME.  No meditating, no peace, just focus and will.  Yesterday was the beginning of something good. I believe in me again. I know if I stick with my training and work hard, I might be able to recapture a little bit of the glory days. Go Mamma, go!